“I had questioned myself if I really wanted to live before, as well as while being sick. I was pushing down so much and resisting so many parts of myself, that it was painful to see them reflected back by my surroundings. Many times, dying seemed like the way out of this pain and self-destructive behaviour was a temporary solution, which I would explain as living on the edge.
The moment this edge started to fade, was when cancer had closed off most of my lungs and a part of my heart. As if my body was expressing the doubts I was having about living life. I had been feeling so unsafe about expressing, that depressing myself was a way of dealing with it. But it was eating me from the inside and giving me not more than two weeks left before it would close both my lungs completely.”
“In March 2020, during a trip to India with Flo, our mom, and some friends, I experienced a breakdown brought on by the impressions of the many sounds, smells and movements. It became clear to me that my fixation on external events
was no longer sustainable. As a result of the fogginess, I became deeply aware that I was living passively and not actually choosing to live.
I realized that I would rather not live than to be led by expectations and external impressions. It felt like a choice to go for life either the full 100%, or for 0%, since this passive way of living was not an option for me anymore.
The beautiful thing about this choice is that it is always there for you to become aware of, which means that it always gives you an opportunity to actively choose to live.”
Rocky roads, page 46 – 49